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Monday, February 11, 2013

Live Blogging The 2013 Grammy Awards with Special Guest Bryan Hernandez

Of of my good friends- Bryan Hernandez- and I watched the 2013 Grammy's last night. While we did not watch them together, we did text, Facebook, and Tweet each other throughout the entire night. Here is a recap of hilarious and awesome conversations through various forms of social media throughout the night. BTW, apologies for any grammatical or punctuation issues. We were texting and such after all.

This would have funnier if we were actual live blogging all of this but alas you get it 24 hours later. This will be funnier if you saw all the entire Grammy show and all of the performances. Although truthfully, this is not funny at all. This is all stream of conscience and just our thoughts about what we were watching it in real time.

At 5:30 CST I get a text from Bryan. The Grammy awards don't kick off until 7:00 CST.

Bryan Hernandez: You watching the grammys

Adam Kaplan: (in a panic that I'm missing it): I will be. Are they on now?

BH: Not yet. But the E red carpet is on. I'm watching that too because I'm lame.

Be prepared for a lot of texts. Haha 

* ominous foreboding music randomly comes out of nowhere *

AK: Haha. Yes. Yes you are. I'm gonna watch House of Cards in the meantime.

SIDENOTE: Everybody watch Netflix's House of Cards. It's amazing

Taylor Swift kicks off the award show performing "We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together" with an Alice In Wonderland themed performance

AK: Why the fuck is Swift performing THIS song?

BH: Right? She did Trouble at the last award show she was on. I hate the clown theme

AK: I like this Alice In Wonderland theme but why isn't she perform[ing] Trouble

BH: Agreed. I liked that one better.

T Swizzle

LL Cool J gives his boring host monologue where he mentions he has won two Grammys

AK: Im surprised LL only has 2 Grammys

BH: Yeah no kidding

AK: I just thought of something. I wondering [wonder] if there was no Rap Category when LL first started off

BH:  Oooh good question

AK: I respect Bob Marley but I'm not the biggest Marley fan, I'm not too excited about this tribute

BH:  Me neither. I don't really care about it either

The award for Best Pop Performance is given out. Adele wins for "Set Fire To The Rain"

BH: Fucking Adele

AK: I love Adele and hate Call Me Maybe but that award shoulda gone to Call [Carly] Rae Jepsen

BH: Agreed 100%

Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley sing a duet off some song

AK: Guess who had [has] two thumbs and doesn't give a shit about this performance? THIS GUY

BK: This is so boring

SIDENOTE: Just like this blog post. ZING!

Get the crap out of yje [the] way I guess

I go to wash dishes the Grammys get so boring. Walks in to the living room to see two random Black guys no wearing shirts singing

AK: Who's performing now?

BH: Wiz khalifa

Someone else i don't care about

Damn [Dan] Auerback from the black keys won an award for best producer

AK: Producing who?

BH: Dr. John, who won best blues album

AK: Cool story

The Song of the Year nominees are being announced

AK: I can't wait for your angry text

Fun. f/ Janelle Monae win Song of the Year for "We Are Young"

BH: FUCK. Carly rae got robbed

Mumford and Sons perform "I Will Wait" after being introduced by Johnny Depp

AK: Oh another angry text coming

BH: Fucking Mumford and suck. God damn it. I love Johnny dep [Depp] though

AK: I'm an awesome psychic

BH: There there it is

God it's so whiney

* Camera pans to Taylor Swift singing along to "I Will Wait" *

AK: Taylor Swift likes this song, you should too

BH: So does Michael Symon

I have a new life goal: to woo Taylor Swift and then dump her to see what kind of song she writes about me.

AK: Hahahahahahahahahahaha awesomeness. You should Facebook that

*Bryan blindly listens to me*

BH: Done

Go like it

AK: I'm already ahead of you

BH: You're the best

Justin Timberlake performs "Suit and Tie" and "Little Pusher Lover Girl"

AK: I love JT but this song [Suit and Tie] is not very good

BH: I actually haven't heard it yet.

Not impressed

AK: Yeah, his new stuff isn't they [that] good.

13 time Grammy winner Dave Grohl and some not as cool or important as Dave Grohl are announced to present the Grammy for Best Rock Song

AK: LL Cool J: 2 Grammys. Dave Grohl: 13 Grammys. Whomp whomp.

BK will win it

BH: I like Dave Grohl as a person more than I like for [foo] fighters. Nice guy

The Black Keys win the award for "Lonely Boy" and give a pretty pedestrian speech written off a little piece of paper. I guess when you win ten million awards before you win an announced-for-TV award, you have time to write down who you want to thank. 

AK: Told ya

BH: Boooooooosh

Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys perform "Daylight" then "Girl On Fire". Instead of playing the piano, Keys plays a timpani and a snare

BH: Is this maroon 5 or coldplay

Kelly Clarkson wins Best Pop Vocal Album. She's clearly drunk. She is so surprised that she won because she didn't think she would win so she starts rambling and declares that she wants to work with Miguel (who performed with Wiz Khalifa earlier) even though she has no idea who he is.

@xZachBaronx Miguel doesn't know who Kelly Clarkson is either

AK: I like how everyone days [says] they didn't think they're gonna win but when the Black Keys win you see them hand each other a prepared speech because, "we're the BK. we're fucking awesome. We know we're gonna win"

BH: Haha. They really dont care and they know how awesome they are.

can't wait yo [to] see the Dr. John performance with them

What do you think jack white is is gonna play?

AK: 16 salteens

* Bryan Hernandez jumps for joy uncontrollably at the mention of this song. Is almost institutionalized *

BH: I hope so. I'm thinking I'm shaking or freedom at 21

Rihanna performs her new single "Stay" with some guy randomly on stage that the internet says is Mikky Ekko. Google this performance if you didn't see it.

AK: When did Russell Brand shave and then become chummy with Rihanna to sing with her on stage?

The Black Keys are joined on stage by the Preservation Jazz Hall Band and some man playing the keyboard who I'm told is Dr. John. Again, please Google this performance.

Adam Kaplan -> Bryan Hernandez: (FB) Is Dr. John a hobo that Dan Auerbach just found outside the Staples Center 20 minutes ago?

LL Cool J comes back on screen for still unexplained reason. For like the fifth time this night he says he was backstage reading people's tweets. Why is LL Cool J popping up all the time just to tell us he checked his Twitter account during the commercial breaks? 

@bwhernadnez (based off of an AK Facebook status update): If the qualifications for #Grammy host is the ability to read tweets then I nominate Adam from @TheCover3 for next year. #KaplanForHost2014

@TheCover3 #KaplanForHost 2014

* Like all of our hash tags, no one cares and this does not trend on Twitter *

Carly Rae Jepsen and Neo come on stage to some R&B song I assume is one of Neo's songs but it could be Taio Cruz or Chris Brown. One can never really be too sure. They are presenting Best Rap/ Sung Collaboration. Apparently this is different than Best Rap song. "No Church In The Wild" by Jay-Z and Kanye West f/ Frank Ocean wins. 

AK: Oh look, The Great Gatsby, Safe House, that one car commercial with Tom Brady in it, and every third commercial just won a Grammy!

Frank Ocean, Jay-Z, and some other random black guy who is not Kanye West but decided to wear a hat that Jay-Z likes accepts the award. Kanye realized what a travesty this was that he actually won and runs up to the stage and says, "Yo Jay, I'm really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but Flo Rida had one of the best songs of all time." I'm just kidding. No one thinks Flo Rida deserves to win any award. 
LL Cool J is on the screen again! What the hell! Is that NCIS spin off he's on really that popular?! He tells us  Bruno Mars, Sting, and others are going to honor Bob Marley and pay tribute to him. Bruno Mars immediately breaks out into his own single, "Locked Out Of Heaven"

AK: "Locked Out Of Heaven" is my favorite Bob Marley song as well

BH: Hahahahahaha right? Wtf

I said the same thing

I can't stand Bruno Mars

And he is a Hernandez

AK: I like him a lot.

* crickets *

The Lumineers come on stage to play their hit "Ho Hey". I was really expecting them to play some of their older stuff when they really started coming into their own, but alas they did not.

AK: Shocking, The Lumineers are performing "Ho Hey"

BH: This song sounds like they're hiccuping

Jack White performs "Love, Interruption" and then "Freedom at 21"


BH: It was awesome!!!!!!! He killed it

AK: Out of the three songs Jack White could have performed, I chose the ONE he didn't perform

Katy Perry's tits come to the stage. Katy Perry follows behind them.

AK: "HOLY BOOBS" - My wife's reaction -

Fun wins this one

* Oh and Katy Perry is presenting the award for Best New Artist is which Fun. does win *

AK: Told ya

BH: Yep. And I'm gonna sleep so well dreaming of KPs boobs

AK: hahahahahahahaha

BH: OK and masturbating

Ever play the nyquil or Tylenol pm drinking game?

Take a Tylenol pm and see if you can jack it before you fall asleep

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE FROM BH: Jack White just tore the Grammys a new one. Great set.

Apparently one of the producer's kids snuck on stage and managed to steal a piano. He called himself Hunter Hayes and introduced Carrie Underwood's performance.

AK: This 13 year old has a pretty darn good voice

BH: Haha. My mom goes "someone change his diaper"

Carrie Underwood performs. No sarcastic remarks here. She's gorgeous and gave a great performance with lights forming patterns on her dress. It was pretty remarkable.

BH: Lived [loved] carries dress. Beautiful.

AK: Love Carrie. Beautiful.

The corpse of Prince comes to the stage to present Record of the Year. He stopped by the Game of Thrones set first, stole some costumes, and then Prince'd them up

BH: Is he wearing armor?

The Blind Prince

AK: Gotye with the upset

BH: Good for them

Justin Timberlake and Ryan Seacrest come on stage to claim the Grammys have created good charities or some nonsense like that.

Next comes to In Memoriam section. A jazz band plays a bit of Dave Brubeck's Quartet "Take Five" followed by Justin Timberlake and Ryan Seacrest come on stage to claim the Grammys have created good charities or some nonsense like that. Then the "In Memoriam" section 

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE FROM ADAM KAPLAN: One of the greatest songs ever to be recorded is being played at the Grammy's now. #RIPDaveBrubeck

AK: Love Dave Brubeck's "Take Five"

BH: Love Seacrets Burberry. Hate seacrest

AK: Oh Bry Bry. Of course you make that comment

BH: Yuuup. That's why you love me

AK: As long as you la-la-la love me!

* Lifetime ban initiated from making any sort of Bieber or Bieber-related references *

Those that have died within the past year: Dave Brubeck, Davy Jones, Adam Yauch (Beastie Boys), Donna Summer, Ravi Shankar, Dick Clark...

AK: Man, a lot of people have died within the past 12 mo

BH: Mt [My] thoughts exactly

...and Robin Gibb

BH: Robin Gobb was my favorite Bee Gee

* Ignoring last comment *

BH: OK, even I don't think the music attorneys should get credit on this

After all the great artists I previously listed, the "In Memoriam" section held on Levon Helm. Yeah, I don't know either. 

AK: Apparently the "In Memoriam" section doesn't know what a "closer" is

A bunch of new and old famous musicians including Fun., Mumford and Sons, and Elton John sing "The Weight" by The Band in honor of the lead singer's death. Apparently Levon Helm was in the band The Band. 

AK: Who is this big black lady who can't sing on this stage?

BH: Mavis Staples

AK: Who is she?

BH: Or Medea up there? She's from the Alabama shakes

Frank Ocean performs "Forrest Gump" You just need to watch his performance.

AK: That's a pretty fucking cool effect

BH: No idea

AK: Are you watching Frank Ocean right now?

BH: Yeah. Forrest Gump?

(Hahahaha my auto correct changed Gump to hump)

AK: Not for me it didn't

BH: When I wrote it for the first time dickhead. I corrected it before I sent it.


BH: You're missing the point. Now I have to go see if a porno exists called Forrest Hump

Album of the Year nominees get announced

BH: Here we go... Please Jack White

Mumford and Sons' "Babel" wins Album of the Year

AK: :(

And haha Forrest Hump


I'm more pissed than Jack White is

* Search "Forrest Hump" on YouTube. Apparently (of course) one does exist *

BH: Ah hahahahahaha.

LL Cool J performs to close out the show. Finally, we don't have to see anymore LL Cool J and why he crashed the Grammys this year

BH: My mom just said "what the fuck is ll cool j wearing? He looks like he is about to break into my house"

AK: Is this 1984? Why is LL Cool J closing?

Also, why is Chuck D a hype man. OMG, we really did get transported to 1984? Where is my DeLoren?

BH: Excellent question

Haha right?

No sleep till Brooklyn!

Christoph Waltz on SNL next weekend

AK: Fuck yeah!

CBS cuts away to commercial in the middle of LL Cool J's performance and ends the show

AK: Anyways, even the Grammys didn't want to stick around to see a full LL Cool J performance. Time for bed. I'll do my best to post our entire convo online tomorrow but no guarantees.

FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE BY BH: Mumford ans Suck? REALLY? What the actual fuck, Grammys? Jack got robbed. But you know what? He doesn't care. So neither do I.
-> AK: Yes you do
-> BH: You're right, I do. Meh. It's not like the Grammy meant anything anymore anyway. #bitterpost


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