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Thursday, April 12, 2012

My Ten Least Anticipated Summer Movies


Release Date: June 8
Directed By: Ridley Scott

I know everyone is excited about this film and for many people this is their #1 most anticipated movie this summer. But for me, I couldn't care less. Not only has Ridley Scott made a handful of terrible movies of late (Robin Hood, Body Of Lies, A Good Year) that makes me distrustful of him now, but I'm not THAT big of an Alien/Aliens fan. It's probably because I first saw both movies within the past eight months but I'm not an Alien(s) fanboy like the vast majority of America. So that fact that there's a prequel to Alien about to come out (while Scott will not confirm nor deny this, we all know this is true) does not excite me.

If this movie is anything like Alien then it absolutely does not deserve a spot on this list and truth be told it probably will be good (which is why Prometheus is only ten on my list) but if I had to rank this movie on a scale of 1-10 in which 10 is I am super excited to see the movie (a la The Dark Knight Rises) then this newest Ridley Scott adventure gets like a 3.


Release Date: August 3
Directed By: Len Wiseman

There is just no reason for this movie to even be remade. The original Schwarzenegger film was so great there is nothing this Colin Ferrell version can do to make me not think that this movie even should have been remade, nevertheless will be good. I'll probably be thinking the same thoughts that I had while watching David Fincher's version of The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. It's just hard to remake things that were already great to begin with.


Release Date: July 6
Directed By: Oliver Stone

There is nothing Oliver Stone can do to make me actively WANT to go out and see one of his films. I mentioned earlier about Ridley Scott's recent track record but his does not even come close to Stone's awful resume which recently includes: Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, W., World Trade Center, and Alexander. Not only were these movies bad, they were (and I'm seriously not being hyperbolic here) some of the worst movies I have ever seen. I have not even seen the trailer for Savages but I do know I will not be seeing feature film.

NOTE: Even after posting this blog post I still have not seen the trailer for Savages.


Release Date: May 25
Directed By: Barry Sonnenfeld

Despite Josh Brolin being awesome and doing an incredible Tommy Lee Jones impersonation, there is no way I'm seeing MIB:3. Not only was the second MIB awful but Will Smith's recent track record is just bad (despite them all making a gazillion dollars each). His latest movies includes: Seven Pounds, Hancock, I Am Legend (OK, maybe I'll give him this one. Maybe.), The Pursuit Of Happyness (bad movie, good Smith acting), and Hitch.


Release Date: May 11
Directed By: Tim Burton

Yes, we get it Johnny Depp. You want to be eccentric. You don't want to play the "typical Hollywood leading man" role. Tim Burton is cheating on Helena Bonham Carter with you (speaking of which, why is SHE not the lead female and Michelle Pfiffer is, I mean this IS a Burton production). But I'm sick of it. I didn't like this Depp/Burton pairing in 2007 when they did Sweeney Tood, I didn't like this pairing in 2010 for Alice In Wonderland, and there is no in hell I am going to like it in 2012. Both Depp and Burton need to move on creatively.


Release Date: June 8
Directed By: Eric Darnell, Tom McGrath, Conrad Vernon

I remember seeing the second Madagascar with my girlfriend, my best friend, and his girlfriend. The four of us were deciding which movie to see and my best friend's girlfriend (I'm always game to make a reference to The Cars) strongly pushed for Madagascar II. I can't remember what other movie the other three of us wanted to see but it did not matter because we caved to see Madagascar II. After the movie ended, my friend's gf just kept apologizing profusely. "I'm sorry I made you guys see Madagascar. We totally should have seen the other movie."

You'll be saying the same thing if you actively seek out and force others to come with you to see the third installment of a franchise made just so David Schwimmer can have money.


Release Date: May 18
Directed By: Kirk Jones

I love Thomas Lennon (or rather I love Dangle on Reno 911) and truth be told I genuinely laughed at everything he said (as well as a lot of what the other "Dudes" said) but I know in reality this is a chick flick and unless it's a chick flick written by Tina Fey (Mean Girls) or Judd Apatow (Knocked Up) I will avoid it like the plague.


Release Date: May 18
Directed By: Peter Berg

All I have to say is the title of this film is based after a board game. A BOARD GAME! That should be enough to make you not want to see Battleship but then I saw the trailer and I will say "No Thank You" to Transformers Four. Michael Bay has not made a good movie ever and I am positive this will not be his first. (Yeah, Yeah. I know Bay "technically" had nothing to do with this movie but for all intensive purposes, he did. I mean, come on. Have you seen the trailer?!).


Release Date: June 29
Directed By: Jon M. Cho

This is a G.I. Joe movie. Enough said. I do not need to go any further with my justification so I'll just say one more thing. G.I. Joe Rise Of Cobra only got a 34% on Rotten Tomatoes. No way in hell the sequel fairs any better.


Release Date: June 15
Directed By: Sean Anders

I've made a big stink about recent track records in this post but no one in Hollywood has a more worse track record than Adam Sandler. Did only did Adam Sandler and his movie Jack And Jill just set a Razzie award record for most wins, but Adam Sandler has not made a good movie since Big Daddy in 1999. Here are some of Sandler's recent movies that he has made: Jack and Jill, Just Go With It, Grown Ups, You Don't Mess With The Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Click, The Longest Yard, and Spanglish. And that's only SOME of the terrible movies he's made. There's actually more!

There are few things that I am actually sure of when it comes to predicting the quality of a movie (hell, I thought Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes last year was going to be awful and it ended up 3rd on my top ten list) but I am confident that That's My Boy will not be funny and will be a terrible piece of crap.

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